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so, a bit of background. about a day ago, my roommate got super drunk (no surprise there, two alcoholics as roommates makes this happen CONSTANTLY) with my neighbor, the one i talked about in in an earlier post, had brought over some vodka, and the two of them just drank it without offering me any. no problem, i didnt want to hang out with them anyway.

later, they came back and asked me to help get their ps3 working and i said i would do it. so i go over there and theres something like a party going on. i pretty much present as female all the time now, but most of that time is spent inside the house, emphatically not in the presence of a room full of gangsta culture guys. if you know my history, you could probably guess that i fixed that ps3 on the verge of panic.

nothing bad happened, they even shared some alcohol and weed with me. of course, my roommate was over there too, pretty much plastered and saying… racially insensitive things… while i stare very intently at the menu screen with that controller in hand thinking to myself, “please just shut the fuck up, jesus, you cant possibly be this stupid! any one of these guys could do whatever the hell they want to us and barely break a sweat, you fucking moron!” needless to say, i got up and tried to convince her to leave with me. one of the guys there helped me convince her, i felt a weird mixture of shame and relief when we finally left. shame for just assuming that i was in danger of sexual assault just because they were a different skin color, and relief that i got my idiot roommate out of there before anything got ugly.

so we walk in the door and she immediately trips over the sofa, falling on the floor head-first. here’s the part that is relevant to the question: i picked her up and carried her to her bed, she was unable to stand, walk or pretty much do anything without busting her ass. she’s close to 170lbs, not too hard to move her, right? fucking WRONG, my shoulders are sore as hell right now. mind-over-matter allowed me to do it, but there was a cost that morning. not that im complaining, i knew intellectually that this would happen, now i know it HAS happened. im just now dealing with the implications of it. this means the ‘mones are working. it also means that i will not ever have to help move furniture again, fuck THAT noise!

updated my photos, a pic of me with my new glasses. i like being able to see again, heh… im such a fucking narcissist…


new glasses!

yes, i got a replacement for the ones the police destroyed, there are new pics in my images section, at the top of this page… i can’t decide whether these new ones are good on me or not. anyone want to venture an opinion?

I couldn’t resist making that the title of my post. So what’s new with me here in ’12? Not much good, I recently got attacked by someone who I thought was a friend for defending my boyfriend. Here’s the story, let me set the scene. Two weeks prior to this incident, I was hanging out with my girlfriends who had brought me some alcohol and the topic of religion came up. Now, it’s no secret that I am very nearly anti-theistic in addition to being an atheist, as in, I enjoy arguing with believers. I agree with the late Mr. Hitchens on virtually every point he has made about deities and their followers. I’m drunk and the individual in question tries (badly) to convert me and I tell her she’s a bitch for insulting me (y’know, because it’s so very smart to insult someone who is insulting you.) Shit did not work out and there was much shouting and name-calling. I chalk it up to drunkenness and pass out from the booze. Everything is seemingly fine when I wake and hear about the incident second-hand. No big deal, just a religion argument.

So a few days ago, they came back over and we did some more drinking, and eventually they all started talking about what a loser I am (y’know, the kinds of things people say and call ‘tough love.’)

The usual stuff I hear, “get a job.” or “stop being a fuck-up.” Nothing new, been hearing it all my life it seems. I make the suggestion that what I want to actually DO in my life is ‘be a housewife.’ From there, the topic became “your boyfriend is a perverted monster.” I take offense to this, informing them that “people are innocent until proven guilty, and even if he is guilty, I still stand by him.”

And then it got physical. Turns out there was a childhood trauma of a sexual nature in her past and there wasn’t going to be any rational discussion anymore. Every other guest I had literally held her off me while I sat eating Chinese food. It was surreal, at least until she hit me in the cheek. In all likelihood, she would have beat my ass if no one had stopped her. I can’t fight worth a damn…

Naturally, this marked the end of the party. Two days later another person I thought was a friend turned on me, accusing me of taking money from my roommate. I didn’t, but I had taken some cigarettes from her pack the night before while we were all drinking. No physical violence resulted this time, but it still hurt to lose a friend I never actually had. Fuck my life…

THEN, on new year’s eve, my roommate and I got drunk and I decide to call home and wish my parents a happy new year, but my mother informed me that what I wrote about my relationship with her had pissed her off. I stupidly retorted that I was pissed off about her outing me to the family after I first came out to her in ’07, since in my opinion, it is the reason I wasn’t invited to my grandfather’s funeral and the reason he left me with nothing. I am STILL saddened by this and know that there is nothing I can do about it. I hung up on her when she implied it was a case of “all my fault”. Then I ate a lot of DXM. The whole experience sucked, I woke up sobbing and full of despair.

Damn… happy new year.

so, my roommate, the girl who im not going to name out of sheer spite, got drunk AGAIN and came on to me. got mad when i wasn’t into it. anyway, my friend olivia got film and photographic evidence of how she acts. like the night a few nights ago where i woke in a drunk tank. as soon as i can access the device, i will transfer the pics to a new section of my site.

EDIT: under advisement, posting these is a spectacularly bad idea, think i will wait until i leave the state

I’m listening to Coast to Coast AM again, and the guest is Michio Kaku. HELL YES, I love this guy. Sadly, Noory isn’t super well-versed in cosmology or physics, if passably knowledgeable about astronomy and climate (and ghosts, bigfoot, ETs, conspiracy theories, chemtrails, demons and pyramids of some sort.)

And he isn’t asking Kaku the right goddamned fuckin’ questions! by Hecate, this is a FINE opportunity for him to ask about artificial black-holes, naked singularities, THE singularity and why in the fuck American science absolutely DEPENDS on foreign scientists since we don’t seem to want to educate Americans to do some goddamned fuckin’ science for fuck’s sake!

I am so irritated! Instead of talking about this stuff, I get to hear ONCE AGAIN that black holes are neato and mysterious and how they can eat planets and how they just zip through space willy-nilly. I ALREADY KNOW ALL THIS. by now EVERYONE that listens to Noory’s show knows how cool black fucking holes are, DO I NEED THIS REMINDER? ah, wait, something more interesting, Kaku making a joke about the LHC being sabotaged by time-travellers. he thinks its a joke, cool.

Oh, Coast to Coast fans are asking Kaku about new age magic bullshit. This is good, “A one-inch equation that lets us know the mind of God.” Good quip Kaku, theory of everything for dummies, heh… Metaphor for the mouth-breathers, Mr. Kaku, GO!!!

Explaining type 0, 1, 2 and 3 civilizations for the Coasties, amusing. Kaku thinks we wouldn’t be able to detect a probe from a type-3 civ. I agree.

Atheist caller, citing string-theory as making possible life after death. Imprinting consciousness in 11-dimensional hyperspace. Spiritual beings inhabiting higher dimensions. He’s all like “maybe, dunno”.

So, a little background. I am now on my 113rd day of HRT, here’s me from a couple of days ago:

For some weird reason, I really like this pic, it makes me feel like this is actually working! YEAH I KNOW, ANGLES. Heh, sometimes I wonder if anyone actually reads these posts besides me, it gets discouraging, part of why I haven’t updated for so long. My writing has suffered from my laziness of late, but I think that’s about to change.

Now, on to what’s really on my mind. My roommate would REALLY love to kick me out, and for good reason, since I have stolen her drugs several times… I’m not proud of this and I’m not going to defend my actions by saying I am an addict, I KNOW I’m an addict, It IS a reason but NOT an excuse. So anyway, I am a bit of a manipulative bitch… It isn’t the sole reason I have this roof over my head, but it certainly is the biggest reason. Eventually, I will exhaust the good will of others and face the cold streets, knowing full well that as a transsexual person I will have a VERY hard time, even compared to other homeless people. Refused at shelters, risking rape and violence, looking over my shoulder always fearful and financially forced into prostitution; you know, the normal homeless trans experience.

Heh… Add to this the fact that the heart of my heart hasn’t written me a letter for over a month… My thoughts run towards despair, inventing scenarios. Maybe he forgot about me, maybe he found someone else, maybe he doesn’t want to be with me if I’m not a guy anymore, maybe he got hurt or killed, maybe he hasn’t received MY letter because it got flagged by the prison mail-room and thinks that I no longer want to be with HIM because I haven’t written! He was sending letters every couple of weeks, now there’s a dread in my heart that something’s gone wrong. What if I go homeless and can’t pick up his letters? Is this what love feels like? I have never experienced this before, is it the estrogen or just having found a soul mate?

UPDATE: My roommate got really drunk at her new guy-friend’s house, Not my concern, she’s just a roommate and I loved her like a sister, but she and her new friend had sex (she’s particularly hirsute, which embarrasses her unduly, I will show the relevance of this in a moment.) She wakes overhearing him and his friends making fun of her furriness, and it naturally hurts her feelings. So, on the very next day, she goes BACK over to hang out and those people drink up all the beer, ignoring her, the guy she was into basically talks on the phone ALL night and morning. After this, she is extremely pissed off and begins to take it out on me, verbally abusive and threatening, all that bullshit. So, she demands I go and get her her k-pins and drive to the store and get her a McChicken, then comes on to me, saying she’s gonna kick me out if I don’t do EXACTLY what she says at all times. Option one: She makes me use my penis and deal with dysphoric thoughts for who knows how long. Option two: I drive her car drunk and get the sandwich and hope she’s passed out on benzos when I get back. Turns out, I picked the second option. Sadly, I realized my mistake and parked at Wal-Mart to sleep it off, screw the sandwich, I was being an IDIOT, once again. Next thing that happens is a mag-light in my eyes and tapping at the window. This is the last thing I remember before waking up with my glasses broken and semen in my hair in a solitary cell. Apparently, keys in the ignition means I was DUI. Then I am released on my own recognizance at around 10am the next morning, to find that my roommate had lost her k-pins, saying that I stole them, charged me with gta and denying everything I knew to be true. I FOUND her pills where she dropped them and got her to drop the charges because of the many witnesses to her giving me the keys and commanding me to do exactly what I did. She threatened to kick me out over this and I pointed out that each of her  lies were just that, and she then goes into the REAL reason. She says I am a “disgusting faggot tranny and can’t live with such a queer atheist sinner who lives off me for free!” -her actual quote. Other than the theft of her drugs those times in the past, I have been supportive and loving as I can possibly be. I buy and cook all the food and pay her money from my guilt-ridden parents who don’t want to be embarrassed by their “junkie daughter-son”.

UPDATE 2: She had hidden the letters from my boyfriend, I just found them and it breaks my heart that she would do this, but fills my heart with joy that he truly does love me and think about me. By Hecate, I will have my revenge on her. My love for her has become naught but hate. No, my revenge will take the form of legal activities, no libel, violence or further thefts, relax o my readers, I intend to do nothing stupid this time.

Yeah, I am sitting here, listening to Coast to Coast AM with George Noory (a fucking FAVORITE of mine) and I would like to talk about A fucking M fucking radio. Look, I KNOW most people think AM radio is BORING. I think that most people are television addicted mouth breathers, so, I GUESS we are even.


Seriously, I am about as liberal as you can ask for, but listening to Glenn Beck or one of those other future Pulitzer Prize winning pundits just gets me hawt… Michael Savage is just about as sexy as they get, and I plan to start a LGBT fan-club devoted to him, Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh (oh, your real-politik sensibility is SO VERY SEXY, you fat dope-loving republicrat!)

At least, it is to me. Hi mom!!!

AM radio is free. AM radio has words, hosts, callers AND commercials. What’s not to love? Hell, these people are CRAZY! No offence, fellow insane people, you know I love you!

Lost cat…

Somehow, my cat got out. One of my cats, that is. I have two orange and white tabby-cats, one still a kitten (her name is Eurydice). The older one is missing (her name is Carmen), SOMEBODY let her out. I have some suspects but the case is cold.

The sadness, I have it.

So, I had a conversation with a friend recently. It was a nice, drunken rhetorical match of wits, during which the subject of my transitioning was raised as pro-capitalism. Since I consider myself a Marxist, I took this rather poorly. I was told that “You are buying a vanity treatment, you should just accept what you are.”

Heh… thankfully, I find myself far less aggressive than, say, six weeks ago. I pointed out that there is a neurological basis to what I am doing and remained silent while said friend attacked my argument, claiming it was ‘pharma-corp marketing’. I thought about it for a while, considering his argument seriously. “Sure,” I thought, “a powerful argument, capital often sells vanity. See the television programs, the ads?”

No. From the perspective of capital, trans people are a TINY market. It’s not cost effective to research, manufacture and deploy the medicines and techniques we benefit from (tremendously, in my opinion. Even if it is a placebo effect, it is still so fucking WORTH it, but I shall speak more on that later.) to such a small market. “Aha!,” it is said to me, “Hormones are used by many non-trans people, from bodybuilders to post-menopausal women, and that’s just for starters!” Sure they are. That research and development benefited many non-trans people. What about SRS? Not a common procedure, unless I am mistaken. If it is profitable as well, why the FUCK don’t more insurance companies cover it? Hell, big capitalist conspiracies should be lobbying for it to be extended to benefit more people, more procedures is more money, right?

I rejected the argument with this admittedly ill-thought-out premise. Perhaps later I can do some research on this, it isn’t as if I have anything else to do…

But then I had a thought that may strike some of you as odd. Maybe… here it is: I can do whatever the hell I want with my body and my money. Even if there were no neuro-physiological basis for being trans, I still feel completely justified in transitioning. I feel that I need to do it, or ELSE. This is good enough for me, the medical research is just icing on the delicious, delicious cake. It’s just like being homosexual. Even if it WERE a choice, it’s an individual’s choice and it hurts NOBODY. What fucking irritates the HELL out of me about the WBW radfem people is their utter hypocrisy. I can condense it with little effort. Listen, I am about to raise the specter of abortion. For a good cause as an illustrative point. Simply put, ask ANYONE who identifies as WBW about their take on the issue and they will say “Fuck your authoritarian patriarchal noise,” (paraphrasing, of course), “It’s MY body and I will do as I please with it, you wanna fight about it?!?”

To this I say, “Hell yeah, right on sister,” and in all likelihood would be insulted by them for daring to agree with them as a sister and have been born with a certain set of chromosomes. Hyperbole? Maybe, maybe not. I respect a choice to eliminate an unique genetic code prior to it taking a breath, yet me fixing my very real non-standard neurology with medical science (which incidentally agrees with me that this kind of non-standard neurology does, in fact, exist) is a choice that I shouldn’t be allowed to fucking make? FUCK THAT. I don’t want to go to any fucking WBW events, I wouldn’t go to a fucking Klan rally for the same fucking reason. It would be full of fucking BIGOTS. I draw the fucking line when they lobby the fucking UNITED NATIONS to deny me my fucking (much needed) rights.

To hell with it, this emotional wounding will not stand. Open ontological and memetic warfare looks like a better and better option with each of these fucking attacks on trans people and their rights, and almost all of it is coming from very specific groups.

Sorry if I sound angry… wait, no I’m not. This is bullshit and our people are getting KILLED as a direct result of this.

What would Cersei Lannister do?

These people–>

These things are fucking awesome.

I don’t know exactly how awesome they will wind up being, but a machine able to copy itself will likely change a lot. Post-scarcity? I don’t know. Singularity? Maybe. An end to capitalist control of the means of production? I really hope so, p2p manufacture coupled with p2p electricity grids would go a long way towards making that happen.

You think governments will start to monitor this kind of thing? Hell, of course they will! Bet they try to get the things banned for some trumped up reason or another. Governments will be able to fight such a phenomena, but not easily.

Interesting times, no?